What To Do When Things Are Not Working

One of the things that happens when a relationship is failing is that many feel there is nothing they can do to stop the free fail and so they will often do nothing or allow their emotions to lead them and this is dangerous.

The nature of marriage is such that when you fall in love with your partner and get married, you enter into a relationship where you are naked in every sense of the word. Like we shared a few weeks ago, you are naked and not ashamed and you will stay that way unless something happens that destroys your confidence in the relationship. It could be something your spouse begins to do or something you yourself begin to do. 

I know of a couple who were happily married and who had no secrets until the wife decided to surprise her husband with a birthday party. They had a joint bank account but because she now needed funds for her surprise party, she stopped putting money in their joint account and obviously she could not explain why to her husband. Her silence brought distrust on the part of her husband and their marriage nearly broke as a result. By the time his surprise birthday arrived, they were hardly on talking terms. When he realized all this was for a surprise birthday party, he was sorry he had treated her so badly but it still took a while to restore the relationship. 

We need to build relationships that are so solid that even when things do not make sense, we can draw on the capital we have built over the years. We can draw on what we know of that person instead of throwing them under the bus at the first sign of trouble or a misunderstanding. I have said this before and will probably say it many more times that - marriage is hard work. We need to give our homes a chance to flourish. At the first signs of trouble in the early days of marriage or during times of pressure - either financially, emotionally or even physically; people might begin to behave differently and they may even begin to doubt themselves and their partners. 

So do not be so quick to judge your partner. The capital you have built over the years, the times of fellowship, the times of financial hardships when you both struggled to keep your heads above water and grew closer as a result, the times when there was a health challenge with family member and the good times with all their happy memories; all count for something and they are priceless. 

It would be a shame to throw it all away on a whim or in a burst of anger. I know that these days, divorce is easy and common and the usual way of escape but what if you tried to make it work? What if you tried to figure out if there was something else going on instead of jumping to conclusions. I heard a story of a wife who had looked forward to the time when she and her husband would become empty nesters. She had imagined how they would go out on dates, hang out with their friends and put a spark in their sex life which was almost dead. They were both so busy that they were hardy intimate, so she figured that once the children left home, things would go back to normal; and by normal I mean how things were before they had children. 

However by the time the children finally left home, her husband had become withdrawn and was always away on business. Whenever he came home, his only joy was food or the television and he avoided physical contact as much as possible. She figured he couldn't be cheating on her because she knew him well but she also knew something was wrong. In sharing her concerns with a marriage counselor, she was asked to encourage him to go for a checkup. The counselor thought he probably had a health condition and suspected that erectile dysfunction might be the culprit. However there was no way of knowing for sure without going to the hospital. 

The wife lovingly encouraged her hubby to go for a checkup. She figured that if the counselor was right, her husband would be too embarrassed to tell her what was going on. That might explain why he was hardly ever home and why he avoided any form of intimacy when he was home. The medical checkup proved the counselor right. Due to the stress of his work, poor diet and a lack of exercise, he had gotten this condition. Thankfully over time, they were able to fix the problem and her love and support helped him greatly when it came to gaining back his confidence. But what if she had concluded he was having an affair and began to argue with him about it? He being too embarrassed to admit what was happening to him might not have bothered to deny it in order to save his pride and that could have threatened their marriage. 

The investment in our homes is worth fighting for and protecting. I watched a wife tell her husband she wanted a divorce online. He had been cheating on her and so she decided to leave him and choose to do it in front of the whole world. Such things destroy other homes too as other wives get ‘inspired’ by such videos especially because they bring a lot of views or likes on social media. Your marriage is not a social experiment. Remember the amount of prayer, sweat, work and the experiences you have gone through together and give that investment a chance.  

If it is possible, pray together and if it is not possible, pray for each other. Share the word with each other, but only share things that have blessed you personally like testimonies or things that spoke to you personally. That way, you will sound and be genuine as you share and you do not have to share testimonies of marriages that were restored!!! You are trying to open a line of communication so avoid things that could make the other person uncomfortable. Your sharing will hopefully open the door for conversation about other things. So, talk to each other instead of about each other. Look for opportunities to break the ice and stir up meaningful conversation. 

As simple as it sounds, talking can appear like a daunting task so pray first that God will give you an opening; he always does! The next thing might appear even more daunting and it is this - Do things together. Look for things you can do together and if all these fail, then you can introduce a third party. However only seek help from people that love and care about both of you or seek professional counseling instead. 

You see, if you have taken the time to invest in prayer first, these things will not be so hard. Now, keep doing these things and then leave the rest to God. God is the one who works behind the scene and turns around situations. Don't expect things to happen overnight. Instead be consistent in doing your own part and in your consistency, great things will happen