Character in Marriage

Character in the dictionary means the moral qualities that are distinctive to an individual. This means your personality will reveal your moral qualities. So if you say someone is mean, unforgiving and selfish for instance; you are describing the moral qualities of that person. 

Character in the Bible or better put, Christian Character is different. You see, character refers to personality traits that make you who you are. So, what then is Christian Character? Christian character is who we are because of our relationship with Christ. This means, as a result of our relationship with Jesus, everything we do mirrors or should mirror our relationship with him. It means our character is now shaped by Christ. Before we became Christians, our character was shaped and affected by whatever was happening around us, how we were feeling, who we were with or what we had been exposed to. 

If we behaved badly, we didn't necessarily feel a need to change our behavior because that was who we were or who we had become because of the things we had gone through. When challenged to change for the better back then, we might instead have chosen to cut people off rather than go through the discomfort of changing. Galatians 5:19 - 21 describes us well. 

[19] Now the works of the flesh are evident, which are: adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lewdness, [20] idolatry, sorcery, hatred, contentions, jealousies, outbursts of wrath, selfish ambitions, dissensions, heresies, [21] envy, murders, drunkenness, revelries, and the like; of which I tell you beforehand, just as I also told you in time past, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.

From the above, you can identify at least one character trait that describes how you used to be. The interesting thing about all these character traits is that they are called Works of the Flesh. Wait a minute!!! “You mean all those times when I was angry, resentful, furious, jealous of so and so and club hopping, it was just my flesh?” The Flesh refers to your carnal desires and before you became a believer in the Lord Jesus Christ, you yielded to those desires. You might even have been convinced that you were doing those things because that was who you were. Galatians 5:19-21 described you well. What I am saying is that, before we became Christians, we didn't struggle with our character.

For most of us, we expected people to accept us as we were; then we got born-again and became believers and began to serve God. Then something began to happen. As we began to get to know our Lord and Savior, his word began to challenge us to become more like him. We began to learn that our character needed to reflect Christ and Christ alone, and as we allow this to happen, we notice we are changing for the better. So, what IS Christian Character? Galatians 5:22-23 describe it very well.  This is what we should look like. 

[22] But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, [23] gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law. 

Instead of letting our carnal desires control our character, we now need to begin to yield to Christ as we learn to walk in Love, Joy, Peace, Longsuffering, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness and Self-Control. This is what christian character looks like. So, why did I go into all that? Well, it's because many people go into marriage with the former; and what do I mean by the former? They go into marriage with their character BEFORE they became born-again Christians. In church, they are good but at home, they still allow their carnal desires to lead the way. When they are angry with their spouse they explode. When things aren't working the way they expect, they are angry, jealous, envious, they talk dirty and are involved in all sorts of uncleanness. Yes, they are still in church but their character does not reflect Christ. So, we are going to begin to look at how Christian Character in a marriage should look and how it affects the home and makes it a haven of joy and peace. 

You see, being a Christian can have tremendous benefits in your marriage if you begin to practice godly christian character. If you can begin to allow Christ to show in all you do, you will begin to notice that it impacts your marriage profoundly. That means you must begin to practice the things you see in the word of God instead of just reading them. So, we are going to look at the character traits a Christian should have using Galatians 5:22-23 as our checklist. But before we start, let me tell you a story that will buttress my point.

When I first got married, I knew I was a good Christian. In fact, if you had asked me to score myself in the area of Christian Character, I would have humbly scored myself a 9/10 so as not to appear proud 😁. However, shortly after we got married a problem showed up. You see, we did not have a househelp! And how was that a problem? You may think this was no big deal, but in the plan I had in my head for my marriage, a househelp was integral. Unfortunately, as much as I searched and tried before we got married, I could not get a househelp so I had to do all the household chores as part of my daily schedule and it wasn't exciting. 

I had grown up as the one in-charge at home and I ran a tight shift. As the first daughter, my sisters and younger brother were my hands, so I was used to sending people on errands as I cooked. The problem wasn’t having to cook as I could already do that very well having started my culinary journey at the age of 8 (I kid you not)! There were always people to send before I got married. You see, at home with my parents we didn't have a househelp but I had my sisters and younger brother. Now, I was married but my husband was not exactly the homely type. 

He would want to help but it was best if he didn't, seeing as I had such high standards. His way of helping was to tell me to just leave the dishes and cuddle next to him! The dishes could wait till later when we did them together. However, for me, such things were done immediately. I didn't work well in an environment where I knew there were dirty dishes in the sink. I would obsess about them, be irritated and angry at any suggestion that did not involve washing up as soon as you finished eating. So I wanted (needed) a househelp who could clean the house like a pro, wash and iron the clothes and cook too and I got none.

Soon, I began to slip in my character. I was always resentful, angry, contentious and dissatisfied then one day in the first few months of marriage, I came across a scripture that changed everything!!! At the time, that scripture was the most horrible thing I had ever come across in the Bible because of what it required me to do but it has helped me build Christian Character. 

[33]  However, let each man of you [without exception] love his wife as [being in a sense] his very own self; and let the wife see that she respects and reverences her husband [that she notices him, regards him, honors him, prefers him, venerates, and esteems him; and that she defers to him, praises him, and loves and admires him exceedingly]. 

Ephesians 5:33 AMPC

Have you ever read a scripture that made you angry and exasperated? Well, I would have said no but the above scripture changed all that. I argued with God asking him how I could possibly do all this to another human being when they were not God! I couldn't believe it but I had to obey. Needless to say, I have been living that scripture and now it is a lifestyle.

We will continue from here next week.