Friend or Foe

I worked in an army barracks after I finished in university. In Nigeria, we have a program called the NYSC (the National Youth Service Corp) where graduates serve in different parts of the country. The goal of this program, which lasts a year, is to impart values of patriotism, loyalty and accountable leadership in young graduates before they go on to pursue their dreams. After I graduated, I was posted to a part of the country I had never been to and used the skills I learnt through my degree to serve the community I was posted to. 

I was posted to Imo State and served for one year as a teacher at a secondary school in the 34th Artillery Brigade Obinze in Owerri. It was the closest I came to being a soldier and it was quite an experience and an eye opener but also a lot of fun. I never went out at night but on two occasions, we had gone into town and arrived at the barracks after dark. As we approached the main gate of the barracks, a bright flood light was switched on, almost blinding us and a voice shouted, “Who goes there? Friend or Foe?”. Apparently we were supposed to identify ourselves as youth corners who were serving in the barracks. That first time, I thought it was ridiculous that we needed to identify ourselves as friends. What if we were foes but lied that we were friends, I wondered. However, I soon learnt that this was the way we were expected to identify ourselves. I guess after identifying ourselves, they then decided whether we were truly friend or foe.

Before I got married or even met my husband, I would hear people say one should marry their friend. At the time, I thought this would be a terrible thing to do. How could I marry my friend? I thought marrying a stranger, someone I did not know would be much more fun. Marrying a friend would be boring…. After I got engaged to my friend (who later became my husband), my mother, my mother-in-law and my grandmother would always pray for us whenever they saw us together; especially as we got closer to the wedding. They would pray that God would make us inseparable friends. By this time, I no longer thought marrying my friend was boring. I had known my husband for years before we got married. He was the Head of the choir and I was his assistant, so we were great friends back on campus, then we got married years later; and have been married for over 32 years!!!

After we got married, I began to understand that prayer. Being friends with your spouse is a must and for the health of your marriage, you need to remain friends. Two weeks ago, I said that at the beginning of a relationship, couples talk and laugh all the time. They cannot get enough of each other. They can talk on the phone for hours but after they get married, if care is not taken, they talk and laugh less and less and can end up as strangers. 

During our courtship, we decided on some ground rules before we got married. Some of those rules were silly and just for laughs but some were inspired by the Holy Spirit. For example, one of our ground rules was - Whatever you do don't pick your nose! This was a funny and silly rule but was based on hygiene and our ‘personal preference’ lol. Another ground rule was - Whatever you do, don't get fat. This was a good rule but neither of us have been able to stick to that rule though we continue to try. There is one rule though that we have worked at keeping and that we take seriously and it is this -

"Whatever you do, do not say anything when you are angry. Only speak when you are no longer angry." 

Though we could not imagine being angry with each other in the beginning, we thought this was a good rule to live by. However as the years have gone by, we have consciously made this a serious rule. We never speak to each other in anger. The person who is angry always waits until they are no longer angry BEFORE speaking and we have found this to be crucial to our communication and the overall health of our marriage. Almost every time one of us gets angry with the other person, we have found out that because of this rule, when the issue is brought up, the offender was either unaware they had done anything to offend or that they misunderstood what was going on. This rule is responsible for us being married for over 32 years and having never had a fight!!! Imagine all the fights we could have had if we exploded each time we got angry with each other?

We have consciously worked at being friends and staying friends. We still do things together every single day. We swim together, we eat together, we watch something together every evening if we are not too tired. In fact, we watch something together every evening even when we are tired and though one of us may sleep (not me), we still watch something together every night or at least we try to. We share our concerns with each other. We tell each other what we are thinking and we are both very sensitive to the feelings of the other person even when they don't say anything. We pray for each other and we are each other's best friend. 

We are friends not foes. We are friends not enemies so we watch each other's backs. As a result, we learn a lot from each other and about each other and are better humans because we do. The things that you did without thinking in the beginning because you were in love, or the things you gave deep thought to before doing them should not stop. It will take effort to continue to pay attention and care for your partner as the years go by, especially when you are now so used to each other. Now you don't care how you look in front of them. You can't be bothered with the things they are particular about but this is a mistake many couples make. You should care because these are the things that keep the fire burning for the long haul. 

If you now take pleasure in making fun of them, you are no longer friends. If you enjoy getting back at them for something they did to you even if they did not do it on purpose, you are no longer friends. If you walk away when they are talking to you or ignore them altogether, you are no longer friends. If you always avoid being around them unless it is absolutely necessary, you are no longer friends. If you now speak to each other through your children or whoever else is in the house, you are no longer friends. 

You may not be foes, not yet but you are on your way there. Listen, it took time to become the sort of people you have both become but you can still retrace your steps. You can CHOOSE not to do those things anymore. You can choose to be respectful and patient. You can choose not to say the first thing that pops up in your head. You can choose to change and if you do, it will make your marriage healthier and your home a space you look forward to coming back to.

So choose to be friends today not foes.

See you next week.