I want to SAY something...

“Baby, I want to say something…”

Every time I start a sentence with the above phrase, my husband drops whatever he is doing and pays attention. And whenever he says, ‘There is something on my mind’, I drop everything too. We have both learnt that those words mean the other person is about to say something that is so important we both need to pay attention. 

We weren't always like this though. In the beginning (and from time to time), I still struggle to get the words out but because I have a loving patient partner, he helps me to get out whatever is on my mind. Writing my thoughts has never been a problem though. I never stumble when I write my thoughts but anyway…… 

Saying what really matters is a huge problem in relationships, especially in marriage. Communication is still one of the things that destroys marriage and you have to wonder why. Afterall, there was no problem communicating during courtship. The guy fell in love with the girl and chased after her trying to make it clear that he was interested and serious and at some point, she believed him. They got closer, fell in love and decided at some point in that journey to commit to each other for life. 

In the beginning, they were talking. In fact, they couldn't stop talking. They would talk and laugh whenever they were together and when they were not, they would talk and talk for hours on the phone. They couldn't get enough of each other, then they got married and began to talk less and less until (in some cases), they were completely silent. They went from the best of friends to perfect strangers who share a living space or a bed. 

Couples do not drift apart overnight. They begin to drift when they begin to develop unhealthy habits and those habits gradually take over their lives. They keep things to themselves and say less and less of what is on their minds. They begin to treat things they used to treasure as common and unimportant. Jokes that used to have them in stitches now irritate them and conversations have slowly reduced to non-essential matters. They may talk but never about what really matters. 

They talk about the car keys, the inter-house sports in junior's school, the children's health, the mechanic, the weather, food and anything else, but not about anything that touches their heart. They skim the surface and have mastered looking like the perfect couple in public but once in private, they revert to being perfect strangers. They enjoy the company of others but avoid each other’s company. As the relationship breaks down even further, sex is removed from their lives. You see, as important as sex is at the beginning of a marriage, it only works when you are talking and communicating with your spouse. 

It is hard to make love to a person you hardly talk to. That is for the prostitute. That is what happens when a man or a woman meets a stranger or someone they hardly know for sex. There is no relationship, so it is all about getting their need for intimacy met and leaving; probably never to meet that person again. 

We are social beings, so when communication breaks down, we tend to look for other people who can fill that void. That is how some find themselves in extra-marital affairs. If you are married and are struggling currently with communicating with your spouse, you probably feel relieved whenever you don’t have to talk to them. It frees you from awkward conversations and helps you relax but it is destroying your relationship and your home. 

People who avoid those awkward moments with their spouse are destroying that relationship. Things like coming home late in order to avoid your husband or wife will ultimately get you into trouble. Even if you are not yet married, you need to learn how to communicate. Keeping quiet when things are uncomfortable is never the way out. Bottling up your emotions is never the easy way out because what is bottled up always comes out at the worst possible time. 

So, pray for God to show you how to break the ice and he will. I know this to be true. Seek professional help if you cannot break the ice by yourself. As uncomfortable as communicating can be, not communicating is far worse and has undesirable effects. And always remember, the person you want to communicate with is your spouse or friend (boyfriend or girlfriend), so do not spend all your time with people who encourage you to ignore them, say nothing or give them a piece of your mind! 

You want to fix the hole before it becomes a canyon, not watch helplessly as it grows. 

We will continue from here next week.