Character in Marriage - SELF-CONTROL

We have been doing an in-depth study on character from Galatians 5:22-23 using the fruit of the Spirit as our theme. The fruit of the Spirit are nine character traits that we should all exhibit especially if we are in a long-term relationship like marriage. 

Marriage only works well when the partners have mastered the right character traits. They don't fly off the handle even when they think it is justified to do so. It is interesting how things can end differently if you just step back, take a deep breath and hold your tongue; and I'll talk about this a bit more today using my marriage as an example. 

Like I said, our theme scripture is Galatians 5:22-23 and the character trait we will be looking at today is Self-control!

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, [gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law - Galatians 5:22-23 NKJV

So what is Self-Control? 

“Self-control according to the dictionary is the ability to control oneself and in particular one's emotions and desires, especially in difficult situations”.

Just think of all the chaos that could have been avoided if people learnt and mastered this skill. Think of all the fights that could have been avoided thus leading to a totally different outcome. The bible meaning of Self-Control is similar to what we have above. 

It is the ability to exercise restraint and moderation in various aspects of life, including in our thoughts, words, actions, and desires. It is the supernatural ability to submit our will to God’s leading in our lives. It is the ability to resist temptation and avoid conforming to the things of this world. This in turn then guides our decisions. Already these definitions show that things would have worked out differently in all those situations where you gave in to your emotions or your desires. 

The first thing I want to tell you is this - You CAN control your emotions and desires if you will yield to the Spirit of God. Often when people do something bad, they blame the devil, their partner, the other driver (in the case of a car accident), their emotions or the circumstances they were in at the time. This might be acceptable for those who do not know God, but it is not acceptable for a child of God. You cannot go around like you have no restraints and then think you can blame something or somebody else for your actions. 

God expects you to rein in those emotions and desires using his word. 

In Romans 7, Paul discussed this: The ability or inability to rein in his desires or emotions and we can learn a lot from him on how to do this. 

[22] For I delight in the law of God according to the inward man. [23] But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members - Romans 7:22-23 NKJV

Paul delighted in God's word or like the NLT says, “he loved God with all his heart” but he noticed that it seemed like there was a battle on his inside. The battle between living for God or yielding to fleshly desires and sin. In the AMPC (the Amplified Bible Classic) it says of v23 -  

But I discern in my bodily members [in the sensitive appetites and wills of the flesh]. He noticed that a different law seemed to be at work and this law was always trying to make him a prisoner to the law of sin that dwelt in his bodily organs [in the sensitive appetites and wills of the flesh].

Paul was sincere in saying, there is a battle of my inside (in my mind) between yielding to sin through my emotions or my desires and yielding to God. We all have those struggles but how we choose to respond is based on who we yield to. Reading Romans 7, it may seem at first like Paul could see no way out but then look at verse 24-25.

  

[24] O unhappy and pitiable and wretched man that I am! Who will release and deliver me from [the shackles of] this body of death_? [25] O thank God! [He will!] through Jesus Christ (the Anointed One) our Lord! So then indeed I, of myself with the mind and heart, serve the Law of God, but with the flesh the law of sin - Romans 7:24-25 AMPC

What we see in verse 24 is a man who wants a way out of being controlled by his emotions and desires. He is wondering if there is a way out and praise God; there is!!!! Paul said, ...thank God, through Jesus Christ I can now serve God with my mind and my heart (this also means your spirit). 

So, there is a way out, friends. We have not been sentenced to uncontrollable fits of anger where we say things in the heat of the moment that we then regret for decades!!! There is a way out and that way is through Jesus Christ!!! It is by consciously applying the word when those situations arise. It is by speaking to yourself and saying, "I am patient and self-controlled" daily and before you are on the spot. It is also by asking for the help of the Holy Spirit when you find yourself on the spot before you had the time to prepare! Listen guys, we can exercise self-control IF we will yield to the Holy Spirit because he is the ONLY one who can help us in those situations. 

Today is our 32nd wedding anniversary and in all that time, we have never had a fight or disagreement except for once in the first few months of marriage and I want to tell you about that day. 

Before we got married, we agreed that we would NEVER speak to each other when we were angry. We said we would only speak to each other once the angry person was no longer angry and it has worked for us. Because of this, the aggrieved party always finds out that the thing that made them angry was unintended and was due to a wrong perception. 

That time in our first few months when we had a disagreement, it was because my husband thought I withheld crucial information from him on purpose. We had gone to see my parents in the 3rd month of marriage but on the way, I suddenly developed a fever. (We lived in the same town with my parents at the time). 

When we arrived at my parents, my Dad hugged me only to realize I was burning up so he turned to my husband and said, “Wale, your wife has a fever”, to which my husband responded, “No, Daddy she doesn't have a temperature", as he reached out and put his hands on my neck and realized he was wrong. (All this happened in a matter of seconds). It ended up being a hospital-visit type trip and he felt offended. (I wasn't aware of this though until we got home later that day). He felt I put him in an awkward situation by not letting him know that I was unwell just because I wanted to see my parents. However, I was well when we left home about 30 minutes before and only noticed I felt a little weird in the car on the way to my parents’ place. I didn't think much of it or realize I had a fever until my Dad hugged me.

When we got home and as I laid in bed, my husband came in and asked why on earth I would have withheld that I was unwell. He told me he had felt embarrassed when he was told so by my Dad. I was now in full malaria-mode - with aching bones, weak, with a fever and fully sick and had little energy. As I started explaining it all happened in the car and that I didn’t think much of it at the time, I broke down in tears. 

My husband was alarmed and hugged me, saying he was sorry and we made up immediately promising we would keep to the promise of never speaking when angry. That was the one and only time we had a disagreement and we have since mastered self-control. We love each other and are committed to not allowing the enemy to despise us. Now, I know it might be different for you because situations differ in every home but we can all choose to do the word all the time. The consequences of losing control can regrettably be irreversible sometimes and we do not want to go down such paths. 

So, let's stop allowing the enemy to lead the way in our homes and relationships. Instead, let's allow God to move in, so that we can strengthen our relationships and build godly character even more.  

See you next week ❤️